February 3, 2023

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What if Twitter dies? 11 things I will do with my time when the spoon comes.

Twitter is dangling by a thread.

By some estimates it is lost almost 90 percent his workforce before Elon Musk. Most recently, the billionaire has been fooling around, telling his remaining employees to either go “hardcore” or leave. And then he quickly found out: About 75 percent of the employees he hadn’t already canned, including those who reportedly run critical parts of the platform, chose the soft-core life and dropped Grimes Ex.

For now, Twitter remains operational, but it seems entirely possible that it could die or fizzle out while trying to mark time with a skeleton crew.

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That would be weird for me personally. Though I’ve tried to slow down, I’ve spent a good chunk of the last decade farting around on Twitter. I joined in July 2012 and have posted about 25,600 times since then. If I do the math on the back of the napkin, I get about 6.2 tweets a day, which is frankly less than I thought. Twitter defined a “heavy” tweeter as someone who logs into the app six or seven times a week and tweets three to four… times a week. So yes, a “heavy” tweeter brings up rookie numbers in my opinion and experience.

Which begs the question: should Twitter really die – which is an open question – what on earth am I doing with all this free time? Because even when I’m not posting, I’m always on Twitter. It’s a constantly open tab throughout my workday. It’s my mindless scrolling while watching TV. It’s my journal for truly mind-blowing, hilarious, and typo-laden observations like:

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and…

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or this…

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and of course…

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So what now? Well, I came up with 11 ideas of what to do with my time if Twitter really dies. Feel free to steal these for yourself even if your mind is poisoned by bird app.

1. Try learning to play the guitar again.

Honestly I’ve been trying for years and it’s hopeless. Do we really think this effort will finally be the time I get past the first four chords?

2. Cook even more than now.

Honestly, I’ve been cooking most days since I’ve been working from home for almost three years now. But sure, I could get unnecessarily complex with my dinners.

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3. Start woodworking.

Might be tricky in a Brooklyn apartment, but seems fun. Ron Swanson likes it. Sure, I could choke on sawdust, but at least my brain doesn’t get turned into oatmeal by social media. Doing something with your hands feels good.

4. Become one of those cartoon guys.

I feel like being awesome at comics is basically learning? For example, there are different timelines and traditions and stories and yada, yada, yada. Maybe I’ll use my Twitter energy to become one of those people.

5. Running

i like jogging I could just do that.

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6. Commit to living in the moment.

For ten years I’ve had at least one two-screen experience with a combination of: laptop and phone, TV and phone, or iPad and TV. With Twitter gone, maybe I could divest myself of the mainframe. I could stop and smell the roses, or rather, the piss-soaked NYC sidewalks. (Same thing.) I could watch the sunset every night and feel deep gratitude for the love in my life and the happiness of being in this exact place at this very moment. I could live with my feet on the ground instead of my eyes on a screen.

lol Introduce?

7. Start doing yoga.

I’ve never been flexible.

8. Pacing up and down my house whispering my tweets into the airwaves like little secrets to the Lord.

Today’s Thursday creates a great Monday mood. Made some eggs for breakfast. LMAO my neighbors blast Phoebe Bridgers Friday night – we love a depressed comrade

9. Really study chess.

Seems to be an interesting world these days.

10. Post on TikTok instead.

Anyway, I know it’s all going on there these days. But I’m a millennial, and the dangers of impossibly flinching on TikTok are great. Also, making a short video is not the same as being an idiot on Twitter. But I could try I guess.

11. Stare at the wall.

Who knows if Twitter will die? But my wall isn’t going anywhere. “Until then, follow me @timmarcin.